By Lissa Rankin MD
As
you walk a spiritual path, do you ever struggle in relationships with
those who are not in the same place in their personal/spiritual
evolution as you might be? In his online program Integral Enlightenment, spiritual teacher Craig Hamilton breaks relationships into three categories:
1) Those who have no interest in your personal/spiritual evolution or their own
2)
Those who are curious and interested in personal/spiritual evolution,
but who aren’t as committed as you to the spiritual path
3)
Those who are totally committed to doing their own work and growing
with you in an active partnership (what he calls “evolutionary
relationships”)
Evolutionary Relationships
So what is an “evolutionary relationship?” Craig teaches that an evolutionary relationship need not be about romance or sex at all. In fact, that dimension can often complicate things. He says many of us have sense that there’s a potential for an extraordinary type of human relationship, marked by an unprecedented level of intimacy, vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency, essentially being with each other without any boundaries or barriers, being together truly beyond ego. Many have sensed the potential to be in a relationship that’s always moving, not getting stuck in old patterns, but always vital, dynamic, and thriving, resisting the urge to rest on familiar, known ground.
You may have tasted
this kind of dynamic in a relationship, but it’s challenging to stay on
this edge, to keep moving forward without sliding into destructive
patterns, which might leave you thinking this kind of relationship isn’t
possible. Very few relationships will ever evolve to the third level.
How will you know the people willing to go there with you? And what
would a relationship like this be like?
Craig teaches us how to be proactive about cultivating such relationships. To do this requires essentially establishing a sacred contract, setting up what he calls “an evolutionary partnership”, which can be governed by the following radical principles.
Principles of an Evolutionary Partnership
1. The very context and organizing principle of the relationship is conscious evolution beyond ego.
This
is the very purpose of why we’re in the relationship. Instead of
organizing around comfort, survival, mutual benefit, comfort, and
connection, in this kind of relationship, we explicitly commit to coming
together for a higher purpose. That’s the “why” of the whole thing. We
have a shared agreement for why we’re here. Instead of colluding
together to protect and preserve the status quo of the relationship,
we’re willing to put the relationship at risk, to constantly challenge
the relationship, as a way to evolve spiritually together, as a way to
avoid falling into stuck, habitual patterns that lead the relationship
to go to sleep.
2. We agree to be mutually accountable to something higher than ourselves.
In
most conventional relationships, we’re attempting to negotiate between
two people’s individual needs and desires. The personal self is the only
context we have, so the relationship is the result of two isolated
personal selves with their own unique agendas attempting to negotiate so
they can be in relationship together without too much conflict.
Typically, we ask, “What do YOU want to do? What do I want to do? What
are we both willing to give up so we can meet in the middle?” But in an
evolutionary relationship, our #1 priority is aligning with Divine will,
rather than focusing exclusively on our own personal desires or the
desires of the person we’re in partnership with. When a conflict comes
up, we’re interested not just in both personal points of view, but in
what’s the right thing to do from the highest perspective, in service to
the highest good of all beings. It’s about not caring so much what you
get out of the relationship or what the other person gets out of it.
It’s more about a mutual seeking of truth, of what’s right and whole and
aligned. We ask, instead, “What’s the right thing to do to the best
that we can discern it?” This way, there is no fundamental conflict. You
both want the same thing- the highest good- rather than focusing on
personal desires. You’ll always find your way through when you’re
genuinely prioritizing this outcome. There is no “winner” or “loser”
because the highest good always wins- and you both want that.
3. We recognize that we have an ego, that we’re prone to error.
Because
we acknowledge that we both have egos, we know that we are prone to
misinterpretation of circumstances. I defined ego here, according to
Craig’s definition, so don’t be mislead by a term that often gets
misused. Read what I wrote about ego here.
When we both acknowledge our own egos and our potential for error, we
come together with the commitment to try to see clearly, beyond the ego.
This means we’re willing to call each other on unhealthy patterns and
try to break those patterns. It’s an exercise in mutual humility,
acknowledging that we aren’t going to do it right, that our egos are
going to screw us up, but that we’re mutually committed to trying to
uncover what is true, in spite of being prone to error. This way,
there’s no compulsion to defend your point of view. You’re both
committed to seeing what is true. It’s a radical act, to be willing to
stop defending your motives whenever you are challenged. Because we both
have egos, we must recognize that we’re prone to distortions and be
willing to acknowledge that with humility.
4.
Despite the fact that we have egos and are prone to error, we want to
be accountable to our potentials, to our highest and best selves.
This
means that even though both parties know we are prone to errors in
judgment and distortion, we’re not using that as an excuse at all. We
are acknowledging that we always have a choice in the matter. Our egoic
limitations are not an excuse for not showing up fully. We acknowledge
that we have a right to expect this from each other, even though we have
egos and tendencies for error. This only works with two people who are
really committed to showing up in this way, wanting to be accountable
and be held accountable. It’s not about always getting it right. We’re
going to screw up. It’s not about beating each other up for our tendency
to be prone to error. It’s about committing to operating at a
risk-taking edge, which requires a lot of trust and commitment to mutual
accountability.
5. The context
for our engagement together is about leaning into our evolutionary
edges, where we’re growing and evolving, sharing a mutual interest in
our evolving edges.
Rather than
meeting in our limitations, fears, and doubts, colluding in how we’re
failing to show up to our highest potential, complaining about what
doesn’t work, we take a stand for meeting in service to our highest
potentials. Some relationships are based on sharing every that’s wrong
or not working or where we’re struggling or fearful. This fifth
principle is about making that off limits, not that there’s no place to
talk about your limitations, but that the relationship is meant to lift
up what’s possible, rather than to devolve into a shared bitchfest that
drags both parties down. The context for the engagement, therefore, is
from a place of desiring to manifest our highest potential, taking a
stand for one another’s higher potential, reaching for what’s possible,
sharing what comes up as we awaken. It’s a positive, uplifting context
for engagement, but a challenging one, because it’s a stretch and
requires moving out of habitual patterns that tend to plague a lot of
spiritually-minded or psychologically-minded relationships.
6. We agree to be mirrors for one another.
Rather
than merely affirming each other’s self image, as most relationships
operate, we agree to reflect to the other person things about who they
are that might be outside of their awareness. We tend to see others more
clearly than we see ourselves. As evolutionary partners, we agree to
lovingly and gently, without judgment, point out blind spots in each
other to help illuminate what we might not be seeing clearly in
ourselves. This includes mirroring back not only negative traits- things
that need to evolve- but also positive things that we may not see
within ourselves. This includes mirroring back how we’re growing and
where we’re making progress. We can not only help undo negative
patterns; we can also mirror back the uplifting things we may not see in
ourselves. This means being willing to challenge each other’s
assumptions, really striving to help each other see ourselves more
clearly.
7. We aspire to set an example for one another.
We
are not perfect. We are not going to always get it right. But we are
aspiring to model what it means to have an evolutionary and enlightened
relationship to life, stretching vulnerably into the unknown. We aspire
to uplift each other through our own examples. This means radical
transparency. In many close relationships, you devolve when you get
comfortable. You let that person see your worst self. But in these
relationships we aspire to be our best selves, not our worst self with
each other.
Are You Involved In Any Evolutionary Relationships?
What
have you learned from engaging with another person in this way? What
challenges have you faced? What triumphs have you experienced? Share
your wisdom and stories in the comments.
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